Writing a blog or a journal should be a personal experience (at least more so than other forms of writing). But the dilemma is this... can a person truly shut out the world and solely vent for their eyes only? Can we eliminate the idea of a possible reader in our minds just briefly enough to encapsulate our true thoughts and authentic voice?
For myself, the answer ranges from a hard-and-fast no to a grey shade of kind of...
The part about ruling out a reader, at least, is absolutely impossible for me to do. Firstly I have a slight paranoia to blame. In middle and high school my rough drafts would always come back very heavily edited- not because of the words, but the punctuation. Apparently I had a bad case of comma abuse, as well as overenthusiastic parenthetical tendencies. But I couldn't help it! In fact I'm probably just as heavy-handed with my punctuation today. It's just... I feel this compulsion to make sure that anyone who reads my writing the exact way I would. I want no room for misinterpretation or personalization- these words are coming from me and therefore I want emphasis and pauses where I put them! I'm still pretty defensive on the subject, as one can tell.
Secondly, I've been a reader my entire life. Quite literally, there is not a single memory I have from a time where I didn't like books. I'm pretty sure such a time never existed. But I've grown so accustomed to reading the written word intended for others... maybe somewhere the line just became blurred. In fact, many of my favorite books growing up were supposed to be like diaries (the Dear America series, specifically, which are still by far the best books anyone can buy for young girls interested in history). But I've read so many incredible stories, it makes me want to be able to write like that as well. And how could I ever know if I've accomplished their level of mastery if I'm simply writing for myself?
Lastly (probably the point that I'm least keen to admit)... I think that, over time, my voice as a writer may have just adapted to always seek an audience. That is, I think my voice in everything is intended for the public. I write everything in my head, pick different words, even edit my own thoughts until they sound more eloquent. My own private feelings and opinions, even those which I never intend to expose to anyone, get played around with until they sound just right- until my pain sounds torturous enough, my joy lighthearted enough, my contentment perfectly adequate. Maybe I've just seen one too many cheesy teen dramas on the CW, but I feel like my thoughts are a constant internal monologue, fit for an audio voice-over of my life at any given moment. I'm not thinking, I'm narrating. It's bizarre, to say the least, but it's very much the truth.
So, does the idea of someone knowing my thoughts effect my writing? Yes and no.
I'm fairly uncensored. My opinions aren't going to change on paper simply because I'm afraid someone will see them. I have no trouble accounting the events in my life and my thoughts on them with candor. That much, at least, I can write for myself.
But my voice will always and forever be for the world, not just for me. But perhaps that's not even something to lament- maybe it shows a generosity in me, wanting to give people beautiful words and phrasings like the ones I've had exposure to. Maybe I'm doing others a kindness, with very little cost to myself.
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